I went from watching my crush in a tinychat, to now having his number and texting back and forth.

He hasn’t even seen my face. He just gave me his number because he knows I like him and he desperately wants to know who I am. I told him he shouldn’t because giving out your number to anonymous people is kinda dangerous. But he insisted.

So now we’re texting. I’m excited and a little scared. He keeps pressuring me to show my face, but I like my anonymity. And a part of me may not think I’m good enough. I think that’s the real reason. 

~ Jay

Not bad. “white chocolate mocha” or something like that. I really only tried it because I need to stay awake.

=/

It’s a week away from final exams, and I’m surprisingly not too stressed out. Everything is doable. The hard part for me is really just staying awake. My sleep schedule is fucked as usual, which is why I brought the coffee. I finished the coffee just now, actually. It was good. Might be drinking coffee from now on. Maybe.

In the meantime, I shall unleash many cans of whoop-ass upon these exams.

~ Jay

And I’m the one left wondering if I’m fighting for the right thing or not. She says I make it all about me, but I obviously won’t see it that way. Fuck it, though. I don’t want to think about it anymore.

Nice way to start my Thanksgiving break.

…which surprises me a little, because I thought I got rid of all of them. But nah. I was in my kitchen getting a drink of water, and there he was. Stuck on one of the sticky traps, looking up at me with those alert eyes, ready to run. Of course he couldn’t run because he was stuck, but damn if he didn’t try.

So I did my usual routine. Sweep him up into the dust pan. Dump him into a plastic bag. Take him out to the dumpster. I never really like walking to the dumpster at this time of night, but if I leave the mouse in the house until morning, he might escape. So it’s better to do it now.

As I was walking to the dumpster, I began to think. Today wasn’t the best day for me. Emotionally, I mean. I’ve been somewhat moping around the house all day, just unsatisfied with life and way things are right now. No one to talk to, as usual. I don’t know why I get all angsty like this, but it happens. I’ve come to realize that it’s a part of me. Take it or leave it. But besides all that, I suddenly thought, “how do you think this mouse feels?” I mean his entire body is stuck to a little black pad, and I’m taking him from his warm shelter (my apartment) out into the cold where he may live or die. 

He’s got it pretty tough right now. But the difference between he and I is that up until this point, this mouse had it pretty easy. He never had to worry about life goals and aspirations that he may never meet. He never had to worry about paying for his education or his lack of a social life. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t spend hours upon hours wondering if he’ll ever meet the “right one” or if he’s attractive enough. And I know for a fact his brain isn’t complex enough to know how lonely he really is. He doesn’t have to feel the gripping emptiness that goes along with that. No, his only concerns thus far have been eating, sleeping, and fucking.

And then there’s me…

I’m not a happy person. I haven’t been for a very long time. I hope someone or something can change this soon, because I don’t seem to be able to.

~ Jay

Rare occurrence.

Tomorrow’s my first day back in college. I think things will go smoothly, but I’m pretty nervous. Some may not understand. I haven’t just been out of school since summer began. I’ve been out of school since January 2010. A year and a half, due to circumstances I couldn’t control.

So tomorrow, I’ll be entering our fucked wonderful U.S. Education system once again. It’s a small community college in montgomery. With a new school, usually comes new life, so my wish list for this year includes:

• New friends. (As of June 2011, I have zero that I’m close with.)
• Improved skills, in terms of illustration and art in general.
• Some kind of social life. (Refer to bullet #1)
• Boyfriend?
• Employment

Now, I’ll be fine if I don’t get any of these things. I’ve done fine without them, but they’d be nice to have. Over all, I’m looking forward to whatever this year brings. I just hope that I remember throughout the year that I’m doing this for me. Nobody else. 

*Positive vibes*

On that note, I’m off to go cut my hair and then catch some Z’s. Hoping tomorrow goes well. If you believe in luck, please wish me lots of it. And have a good night.

~ Jay

Even though I had less food and money back then, I still enjoyed the independence.